Vincent Pryce here, with a new series of posts called ‘Mooks at the Movies’ and since there hasn’t been a Christmas post in a while, I figured I’d start this shit off with a very special Holiday Edition for y’all.
HAARYOU?!
Now, Christmas can be a really depressing time of the year for a lot of people: If you’re homeless or broke, don’t have a family, are a degenerate gambler that just fucked off all your money on those VLT cocksuckers and now you have no funds to buy presents for your family and they are going to hate you, or any number of things we may come across in our wonderful lives. So while the rest of the of society is embracing the most World of Shit holiday there is, you’re stuck being a miserable schmuck. So I thought I’d lighten the mood a little with a few choice selections to help you get through the most miserable time of the year. I’m going to break these movies down in sections starting with:
DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FUN
–A Christmas Story (1983)
Director: Bob Clark
I fuckin’ loved this movie as a kid and still do. It’s one of those films I will watch every year and which TBS does yearly. It plays this movie continuously for 12 hours straight on Christmas Day. It’s just a really well done, genuine film that truly captures the whole wonderment and excitement you experience as a kid at Christmas time. It may be a family movie but it’s not corny like some wack-ass Disney flick, it’s some real shit that a lot of people can relate to… Well, mostly white people but some mooks too. You got the old, cantankerous father that’s always angry and swearing and pissed off about something, the overworked mother that never gets a break and the younger, annoying brother that always wants to tag along and be a part of what his older brother is doing. The story follows this kid named Ralphie who all he wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot
range model air rifle, to which pretty much every adult in the movie replies back with “You’ll shoot your eye out.” Anyways, it’s got a lot of memorable and classic scenes like: kids getting the tongue frozen stuck to metal poles, getting chased by sadistic bullies, getting your mouth washed out with soap for swearing, a bunch of Chinese waiters singing Xmas carols and some really great subplots too.
Peep the trailer…
Full movie, right here.
–National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
Director: Jeremiah Chechik
If you’ve seen any of the other National Lampoon movies from the Vacation series then you know what to expect. Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold being an extremely goofy dad that basically forces his family to join in on what he considers fun or quality family time together, but is really actually lame and annoying to most everyone else. It was written by John Hughes (Home Alone, Ferris Bueller, The Breakfast Club etc.) So you can expect a lot of gags and some good dialogue. Randy Quaid is also really good in this as Cousin Eddie a super white trash idiot loser with a big heart and shitty little dirt kids.
The trailer is gay but this shit is classic…
–Bad(der) Santa (2004)
Director: Terry Zwigoff
Billy Bob Thornton plays a foul mouthed, alcoholic, sex addicted thief posing as a Mall Santa, basically a huge mook. Every Christmas season he and his little Elf buddy (Tony Cox) rob department stores and shopping malls they work at during the day after they’ve closed and then fuck off to somewhere sunny and nice till next holiday season. A lot of people don’t like Billy Bob Thornton but I think he’s really perfect in this role as a really sleazy douchebag, that you kind of hate to like. Bernie Mac is also really good in this as the head of mall security as well as John Ritter (Problem Child, Three’s Company) who plays the really politically-correct mall manager that keeps trying to get Billy Bob fired but can’t ‘cuz he doesn’t really have any real reason other than he doesn’t like him and he fucks fat chicks in the ass in the Big & Tall section. His character is just so uptight and prudish, he really pulls it off well, it was also his last movie, sadly enough… He died not long after filming was done.
Here are some scenes…
HOLIDAY HORROR
–Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Director: Charles Sellier
This movie is just fucked, but it’s actually really good too. In 1984 when it opened in theaters it outgrossed the original Nightmare on Elm Street which opened the same day as this movie. It also got a lot of flack from butthurt mothers who thought the image of a maniac Santa brutally murdering people would damage their children’s fragile, impressionable minds. The movie starts off on Christmas Eve with Billy and his family (including his little infant brother) going to visit grandpa at the good ‘ol insane asylum where he has been institutionalized and is basically catatonic. When’s Billy’s parents leave him alone with Grandpa so they can go talk to one of the doctors, the grandfather suddenly snaps out of his catatonic state and scares the shit out of Billy by telling him the scary truth about Jolly old Saint Nick and how he only gives presents to the good children and punishes the bad ones, so he’d better run away when he sees Santa Claus tonight. After they leave the institution, they see a man on the side of the road dressed in a Santa costume beside what appears to be his broken down car, little do they know this “Santa” just robbed a liquor store and murdered the clerk. As they pull over to help “Santa” he shoots the father and then drags the mom out of the car and slits her throat, traumatizing the fuck out of Billy. Him and his little brother grew up in an orphanage run by super strict nuns who just fuck up Billy’s psyche even more. Fast-forward 10 years: Billy is now 18, working as a stock boy in a Toy Store at Christmas time and is forced by his boss to play the stores Santa Clause which pretty much pushes him over the edge and the killing and mayhem soon begins! There was 4 sequels after this one, but they’re all pretty shit compared to this holiday classic.
Here’s the trailer..
For the full movie click here.
-Black Christmas (1974)
Director: Bob Clark
A Christmas Story’s director Bob Clark directed this little independent Canadian horror movie called Black Christmas. The script was written by Roy Moore, who was inspired by a series of murders that had happened in Westmount as well as “The Babysitter and the Man Upstairs” urban legend. The story follows a group of sorority girls who are stalked and murdered during the holidays, by a killer hiding out in their sorority house. It starred then relatively unknown actress Margot Kidder (Superman) who’s really great in this (she’s usually as drunk and swearing and just has an all-around “I don’t give a shit” attitude”) and Olivia Hussey (IT) as well as SCTV alumni Andrea Martin and John Saxon (Enter The Dragon, A Nightmare on Elm Street) as Lt. Fuller. The film was relatively successful considering its budget of $620,000 and it made over 4 million upon its initial release. It’s also considered one of the first slasher flicks to use a lot of techniques that would later become staples in the genre, as seen in movies like Halloween and the Friday the 13th, such as the Killer POV Angle, where the audience is supposed to see what the killer sees and the killer calling from inside the house. Overall, a really well done movie with a good story, decent acting and some cool deaths.
Trailer:
Full jawn, right here.
Honorable Mentions:
–Santa’s Slay (2005)
Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways, killing motherfuckers. Not a great movie but it’s funny to see Goldberg the wrestler as Santa Claus killing people.The opening scene has a lot of great cameos.
Pure genius…
-Gremlins (1984)
Director Joe Dante
Don’t feed these fuckers after midnight or get them wet! Gremlins is one of those crazy movies that doesn’t really know what it wants to be: Is it a comedy, horror, fantasy/Christmas movie? It’s actually all of these things and then some. Gremlins was produced at a time when combining horror and comedy was becoming increasingly popular. The idea of gremlins was first conceived during World War II, when mechanical failures in aircraft were jokingly blamed on the small monsters. Years later with the help of Steven Spielberg and Chris Columbus it became a movie franchise!
-Scrooged (1988)
Director: Richard Donner
Bill Murray as Scrooge, enough said… Seriously though we all know the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge with his greedy miserly ways and the three ghosts that visit him on Christmas Eve that scare him into having a change of heart. This is just an updated version that takes place in modern day New York City…
Bill Murraaaay… It’s ghosts he hates…
-Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (1971 TV Special)
After Scrooged this is probably my favorite adaptation of A Christmas Carol. It first aired in 1971 on ABC as a holiday TV special and was directed by Canadian-British Animator Richard Williams, who won an Academy Award for it, and executive produced by Chuck Jones (Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies). It’s narrated by veteran British actor Michael Redgrave and stars Alastair Sim, who previously played Scrooge in a live-action 1951 adaptation of the story. What I like most about it is the amazing visual style which was inspired by the original illustrations of John Leech as well as the pen and ink renderings by Milo Winter. It is all hand drawn and animated which gives it this uneasy kind of jerky feel to it. it has an overall very dark and gloomy feel to it punctuated by interesting camera angles and zooms giving it an almost disorienting feel at times. So, if you haven’t seen this rare gem I suggest you check it out.
The full thing is on YouTube…
X-MAS ACTION: YIPPEE KI YAY, I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS
–Die Hard (1988)
Director: John McTiernan
Not many action films take place during Christmas time, that’s why I love the first two Die Hards so much. Originally though Bruce Willis was not slated to play Detective John McClane, the wisecracking, lone wolf New York City Detective who goes up against a gang or Euro Trash terrorists who hijack a building to steal some very valuable bearer bonds. The role was originally intended for… wait for it: Frank Sinatra! Roderick Thorpe who wrote the novel Nothing Lasts Forever (which Die Hard is based on) intended the book to be the sequel to his previous book The Detective which was made into a movie starring Frank Sinatra as Detective Joe Leland. When Sinatra turned down the role, the Fox Studio’s then pitched it to Schwarzenegger as a sequel to Commando, Arnie also turned it down. After it was repeatedly turned down by the era’s leading action stars it finally made it’s way to good old Brucey, who at the time the studio wasn’t really down with giving the roll to ‘cuz he was mainly known for his role in the TV comedy Moonlighting. Suffice it to say they eventually made the right decision, ‘cuz Die Hard went on to make mad money at the box office, being hailed as one of the greatest action movies ever made and spawning one of the most successful movie franchises as well as turning Bruce Willis into an action star.
Classic shit…
-Die Hard 2 (1990)
Director: Renny Harlin
Though not nearly as good as the first Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder is still a great action movie. Dt. John McClane is back to his old shenanigans cracking jokes and thwarting terrorist attacks and such. Taking place two years after the assault on Nakatomi Plaza, it’s Christmas Eve again, McClane is waiting for his wife to land at Washington’s Dulles International Airport when a group of terrorists take over the air traffic control system. He must stop the terrorists before his wife’s plane and several other incoming flights that are circling the airport run out of fuel and crash. Funny little tidbit of trivia: John Leguizamo in his autobiography, wrote of his role in the movie that it was intended to be much larger until the filmmakers realized how short he was. His part was cut down to one line which was dubbed by someone else. However, he got his way years later in Executive Decision (1996), another picture produced by Joel Silver and often described as ‘Die Hard on a Plane’. Respect!
–Lethal Weapon (1987)
Now, Lethal Weapon isn’t as Christmasy as the first two Die Hard’s but it still takes place during Christmas, so I’d thought I’d include it in the list just for good measure. This scene where Mel Gibson is undercover trying to buy coke from some goons in a Christmas tree lot is classic. Sapins pis SAPOUD en tabarnak!
This completes my little list of Holidays movies. Feel free to suggest other classic in the comments below.
HTO: Come celebrate the end of the most stressful time of the year later that night where Vincent Pryce and friends will be playing lots of good music and Pic Paquette will perform his entire album in sequential order during a durag bonanza on stage.
Real shit, if you ain’t stuck in the boonies with your lame parents, too hungover or completely fucking broke, you have no good reason to miss this jam because I can already smell that it’s going to be pretty fucking epic.
Happy holidays. Much love to all of you. RESPECT!!!
(c) MOOK-LIFE – Read entire story here.